


Professors and Paralogues

by Mild_Ekphrasis



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:29:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25283920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mild_Ekphrasis/pseuds/Mild_Ekphrasis
Summary: Byleth has some odd ideas about team-building exercises -- A.K.A., the Black Eagles play D&D.***Edelgard sighed. "It's a... game. Apparently. You create a character and... tell stories with them. According to the Professor.""Why Edie, that almost sounds like acting!" said Dorothea, laughter in her voice. "Why didn't you say that to begin with?"***
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	Professors and Paralogues

**Author's Note:**

> I joked about this with some friends and just couldn't shake the idea.
> 
> Don't ask me how Fódlan has D&D, or why it's fun to play as magic fantasy characters when you are already magic fantasy characters!
> 
> And they're technically not playing D&D, they're playing some other incredibly similar game. Which is mainly so that I can fudge rules if I want, but I also think the 'dragons' part of the name might be a touchy subject for some characters.
> 
> (Also, credit to [this](https://shitmyplayerssay.com/post/169342144642/my-boyfriend-as-i-am-helping-him-make-his-first) shamelessly stolen tumblr post for one of the jokes.)

"Ughhhhhhh, I don't get why we have to do this," complained Caspar, falling into his chair. "Why are we pretending to fight things, when we could be training in real life?"

"Because the Professor has assigned it," replied Edelgard. She privately agreed with him. "We'd be doing sedentary classwork anyways. At least this way you get to... think about fighting."

Caspar balanced a quill on his nose. "I guess you're right. Thinking about fighting is the next best thing to actually fighting!"

Edelgard began handing out the sheets the Professor had prepared. They had called this a 'team-building exercise'. She was personally doubtful about its potential efficacy, but it didn't seem... completely unenjoyable. She supposed her classmates could use the break, as well. The mock battle had gone quite well, and while she wanted to keep pushing them, she knew she had to occasionally, reluctantly, pull back.

"What is being the point of this exercise?" asked Petra, examining the sheet.

Edelgard sighed. "It's a... game. Apparently. You create a character and... tell stories with them. According to the Professor." That explanation was lacking, but the Professor's had been as well. They were a brilliant tactician, but their teaching style was often... terse. Though surprisingly effective.

"Why Edie, that almost sounds like acting!" said Dorothea, laughter in her voice. "Why didn't you say that to begin with?" She looked down at her sheet. "So, where do we start?"

Edelgard took a breath. "First we must all... create characters." She grimaced down at her sheet. "Except Hubert, of course."

Linhardt, resting his head on his own sheet, glared lazily up at Hubert. "How come he's exempt from this whole thing?"

Hubert scowled. "I am not. In fact, I have already put in more work than will be required of any of you, since I will be running this activity. I shall be your..." He paused for effect. "Dungeon Master."

"I didn't realize there'd be dungeons involved!" squeaked Bernadetta. Her character sheet was already halfway filled out. Edelgard glanced at it, but Bernadetta covered it quickly.

Edelgard clarified, "There's nothing to worry about, Bernadetta. It's just a name for the person running the game. There will not be any actual dungeons involved. Well, I suppose there might be dungeons in the game, depending on what Hubert has... ah, excuse me.” She saw the panic building in Bernadetta's eyes. "He has assured me there will not be any dungeons involved." She shot a quick pleading glance at Hubert. "Now, Bernadetta, I see you've been working on a character. Would you like to introduce her?"

"Him. He's, um, uh" Edelgard nodded at her to continue. Bernadetta squeezed her eyes shut. "He'sbigandstrongandaknightandgoesaroundhelpingpeople," she said in one long breath.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite--"

"A knight!" interrupted Ferdinand. "My character is also a knight! A paladin, to be exact." He beamed at Bernadetta. "Perhaps our characters are acquainted!" Bernadetta nodded at him, eyes wide. "What is his name?" he asked.

"Um. Gideon of Monmouth. He's, um. A half-orc? He looks big and scary, but he's actually really, um. Nice."

"Thank you for sharing your character, Bernadetta," said Hubert, trying to take control of the table. The sooner he got things going, the sooner they could move on to important things. "Now--"

"A half-orc!" interrupted Ferdinand, again. "Excellent! My character," he said, closing his eyes solemnly. "Is and elf. Cruelly cast out from his noble family, he travelling the world, trying to earn back their respect. Perhaps he came across your Sir Gideon in his travels?" Bernadetta nodded in panicked agreement. Ferdinand grinned at Edelgard, "We both have our characters finished, and before you! I do believe we're winning already!"

"Lady Edelgard already had a character prepared before anyone else arrived," said Hubert, pulling out an already completed sheet and placing it in front of the princess. "She is a tiefling necromancer.” He smirked at Ferdinand as Edelgard examined the character sheet. Her character sheet, she supposed. 

Ferdinand scowled briefly. “I was unaware that necromancer was an option.”

“It was in another one of Professor Byleth's manuals. Unfortunately, they could not share that one with the rest of the class,” Hubert said, almost smiling.

“What has everyone else chosen?” asked Edelgard, interrupting the two. She was becoming quite adept at spotting one of their bickering sessions on the horizon. Alas, she was less talented at actually stopping the ensuing bicker.

“I'm a ling fighter!” said Caspar. Enthusiastically.

“So, Caspar, too, is allowed a race not in the manual!” said Ferdinand, trying to continue the bicker with Hubert. 

“No he is not, for 'ling' is not a race available in any manual, present or not,” replied Hubert. He scowled at Caspar. “Where did you come up with that?”

“It is in the manual,” protested Caspar. “At least, mostly.”

“Mostly.”

“Yeah! Bernie's playing a half-orc, right? And Dorothea's playing a half-elf -- sorry, Dorothea, I looked at your page, I wanted to make sure I was doing this right –- so I thought why not a half-ling? But then I thought: I don't wanna be half anything! I'm gonna be a full ling!” He grinned at Hubert. “And I chose fighter 'cause fighting's awesome!”

Hubert sat for a moment. “The inner machinations of your mind are truly a wonder, Caspar. I will tell you, most assuredly, that there is no. Such. Thing. As. A. Ling.”

Casper rolled his eyes. “Fine, fine, only Edelgard gets the special class, I get it. I'll play a halfling.”

“Thank you, Caspar”

Linhardt watched as Caspar wrote 'secretly a full ling' into his character notes.

“Okay,” Edelgard said, looking at her notes. “We have a tiefling necromancer, a halfling fighter, a half-orc paladin--”

“Um,” interrupted Bernadetta, nervously.

“My apologies Bernadetta, I was sure that's what you had said?”

“I'm not playing a paladin!” she blurted out.

“Breathe, Bernadetta,” Edelgard said, attempting some manner of comfort. “I thought you said you were playing a knight?”

“Well, that's what he is, but not his class? He's a knight errant, travelling the world to do good, but his class is Barbarian! I wanted to start off the knight part, because the story is the important thing, right? I have some ideas for where I want his story to go, I can discuss them with... the Dungeon Master...” Edelgard watched her realize she had just volunteered to have a private conversation with Hubert. Eyes wide, Bernadetta continued,”I'll write down my ideas! And send them to the Dungeon Master,” -- she winced at the term --”in a letter!”

“I... suppose that would work,” said Edelgard, glancing at Hubert. He shrugged in agreement, continuing to leaf through his papers. “Although,” she continued, “I am doubtful that we will be pursuing this activity beyond today. The Professor only required a single session.” She held herself back from finishing 'and I'm not even certain we'll manage that'.

'Whaaaaaaat?' exclaimed Caspar. “Oh man, that's too bad. I've kinda gotten attached to Fists von Punching.”

“No,” said Hubert.

“What?” said Caspar, leaning back in his chair.

“I. Refuse. To let a character with that... name into my game.”

“Why? It's a great name! Oh, I know,” Caspar said, grinning. “You're jealous that your character missed out on such a cool name! Well, you don't need to worry. I've got plenty more names where that came from.”

The rest of the Eagles had stopped working on their sheets, watching the confrontation. Hubert slowly raised one palm to cover his eyes. He drew in a breath. He let it out. “Petra, who is your character?” he asked.

“Oh! Ah. She is a Ranger,” Petra said, somewhat startled by the abrupt question. “I decided for her to be one, because I am understanding bows. But she is also a gnome, for I am not understanding gnomes, and it is interesting to also be something I am not.”

“Thank you, Petra,” said Hubert, writing this down. “Thank you. Linhardt, you have not spoken much. Have you any ideas?”

Linhardt yawned. “Human Cleric.”

Hubert wrote this down. “Decisive. Have you decided on a name as well?”

“Lin”

Hubert stopped writing. “Linhardt. You cannot simply... play yourself.”

“I'm not.”

“You are not? How does this character differ from you?”

“Lin's a girl. I'm not.”

Hubert sent a pleading look at Edelgard. She subtly shook her head. Just let it be.

“Fine, fine,” Hubert said. “You are Lin the Human Cleric. Very different from Linhardt the human healer. I must make sure to write it down. So I can remember all the differences.”

“Don't see why you need to. You seem to have it memorized already,” replied Linhardt. “Wake me up when the game starts, will you?”

Edelgard decided to take pity on Hubert. “Dorothea, I believe you are the only one we haven't heard from,” she said.

“Well, you were just saving the best for last, I'm sure,” smiled Dorothea. “As you heard from Caspar, I'm planning to play a half-elf. It seems like an idea with a lot of drama! Someone who doesn't quite fit in with either side of their family, having to find her own place in the world.”

“I see. And you'll be playing a bard, I assume?”

“Of course not! I already know what that's like. I'm thinking a warlock would be more interesting.”

Edelgard did not point out that maybe playing a class that included a patron might also be similar to Dorothea's life. It did not seem either tactful or appropriate.

“Well, thank you, Dorothea. Hubert, do you have everyone's character information?”

He nodded. “Yes, Lady Edelgard. I promise you, I will be able to create a suitable challenge for this... group.”

“Unfortunately,” said Edelgard, standing up, “we have come to the end of the time the Professor allotted for this. It is a disappointment that we were unable to play, but I'm sure we've accomplished any goal the Professor --” 

“Nonsense!” interrupted Ferdinand. “We have barely gotten started. After all this crafting of characters, we simply must have a chance to actually play as them. I, Ferdinand von Aegir, shall personally ask the Professor for another chance to resume this activity. And, if Hubert does not wish to continue, then I shall gladly sacrifice the story of Sir Percival the Just to bring enjoyment to you all.”

“That will not be necessary,” said Hubert.

“Ah, so you will continue to run the game! Excellent!” grinned Ferdinand.

“That is not what--”

“Why, thank you, Hubie! Very generous of you,” added Dorothea.

“Yeah! Aw man, can't wait to start hitting things next time!” said Caspar. “Wait. We will be fighting next time, right? In the game, I mean? Though real life would be good too!”

“I don't believe --” Hubert tried.

“This is seeming like a fun activity! It will be good to have more practice with my speaking,” said Petra.

“And it seems like a decent table for naps,” added Linhardt.

“That's not the point--”

“Thank you very much for running the game Hubert!” said Bernadetta, all in one breath. Hubert gave up.

“I suppose, with all your enthusiasm, we will have to continue,” said Edelgard. “I will have to let the Professor know their suggestion was so... well-received.”

Later, when Edelgard did just that, she could swear she saw Byleth faintly smile at the news.

**Author's Note:**

> Me: "I haven't written fanfic since 2002. I think I'll break back into it by writing 8-way dialogue."
> 
> Might continue, if more ideas strike me. We shall see!
> 
> And lastly: thank you, cheering squad. You know who you are <3


End file.
